


Don’t Let Me Go

by ASecretC



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: F/F, Peter Pan (lol y’all know what I mean by this), insecure!ava
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-18
Updated: 2018-04-18
Packaged: 2019-04-24 11:57:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14354967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ASecretC/pseuds/ASecretC
Summary: -Ava’s POV-After Sara breaks up with Ava (Necromancing the Stone)-Alternate Ending





	Don’t Let Me Go

She forces herself to wait.

She forces herself to keep her composure for the five seconds that it takes her to walk through the time portal and into her office.

Those five seconds are filled with silence, because Sara doesn’t call after her.

After the portal is closed, it’s silent for only a second more, before a sob escapes past Ava’s lips.

A sob that she quickly covers with the palm of her hand, because her new Time Bureau Director’s office walls are made of glass, and she wants to keep some of her dignity, if nothing else.

But then there are tears sliding down her cheeks, and her heart is racing too fast, and suddenly the weight of it all makes it difficult for her to breathe.

She manages to move forward, over to her desk, before she all but collapses into her chair.

She blows out a breath, trying to stop crying, because she shouldn’t be crying. She doesn’t believe she has the _right_ to be crying.

She uses shaky hands to log into her computer; runs her fingertips across the keyboard.  
And she begins working.  
Because work seems to be the only solution. The only distraction. She uses problems with the timeline to distract herself from _her_ problems.

She can’t handle it all right now. She doesn’t know how to feel.

Should she feel guilty? Hurt? Heartbroken? _Angry?_

God, does she wish she could feel angry.  
Because anger is such a less vulnerable feeling than hurt.

But she can’t bring herself to be angry, not with Sara. She doesn’t blame her, not at all. She blames herself, of course.

She shouldn’t have left. She should’ve stayed and fought. She shouldn’t have let Sara end it.  
But she did.

Ava blames herself.

She works and ignores the tears dribbling from her cheeks and onto the keyboard.

_I can’t do this, I won’t._

_I’m sorry._

She tries to block out the sound of Sara’s voice in her mind, in a never ending repeat.

She blocks it all out and tries to forget.  
Because that’s all she can do.

She works on fixing all the mistakes Gary had made when covering for her.

Covering for her when she was over at the Waverider. With Sara.

She works on her assignments from today, then starts on tomorrow’s, eventually completing and signing on new missions for the rest of the week.

She works until her eyes burn with tears and tire, and her wrists ache from typing.

And then she stops. Because she’s _exhausted._ She doesn’t know whether it’s from the crying, the working, or the sting in her chest that just never seemed to go away.  
Or maybe it’s a mixture of it all.

She checks the clock for the first time since she’s began working.

_3:47_

She stands, pushing in her chair. She stretches, letting out a heavy sigh.

She opens a portal to her apartment after leaving a note on her desk for Gary.

She falls back on her couch, squeezing her eyes shut despite the fact that she knows she won’t be able to sleep.

She tries to trick herself into believing that maybe, just _maybe_ the universe will give her a break. Maybe she’ll be able to open her eyes and this will all just be one _horrible_ nightmare.

It doesn’t work.

She opens her eyes. Sits up; looks around.

Her eyes catch on a bottle of liquor on her kitchen counter.

She knows there’s probably a better solution. One with less consequences.

But there’s always that one thought. That one thought that finds a way to shove past all the rest, making its way to the front of her mind.

_Why not?_

~

She doesn’t go into work the next morning.

She already finished all of her assignments for the rest of the week. And, because of the lack of sleep due to yesterday’s late-night drinking, she’s more exhausted than ever.

She still gets up. Slowly, with a groan, because her head is pounding like someone is playing it like a bongo.

Drinking last night wasn’t in her best judgement, but she doesn’t care. It was worth it, to get Sara off her mind.

Although, it didn’t really work.  
And, by the intensity of her current hangover, Ava’s starting to doubt whether it was _actually_ worth it.

She lets out a sigh as she looks around.

An empty liquor bottle, tub of probably now melted ice cream, her Time Bureau pantsuit that she had slipped out of, changing into a tank top and pair of sweatpants.  
And then her time courier, still on her wrist from when she had drunkenly debated going back to the Waverider to, _fight for love._

Ava knows it’s pathetic, she knows it’s a cliché.

She still accepts it as a reality, making her way to the bathroom.

She can’t bear to look herself in the mirror, so she doesn’t, just discards her clothes on the tiled floor and steps into the shower.

She turns the knob, flinching as the cold water hits her bare skin.

She allows her body to relax as the water begins to warm up.

She steps forward, closing her eyes as the water hits her face, streaming down, washing away all the memories and pain from last night.

Except, it doesn’t. In fact, it only seems to make everything hurt a little more.

She can’t say that she’s surprised. She’s not surprised that Sara didn’t call after her. Why would she?

Ava’s too insecure. She’s a workaholic. She doesn’t understand what Sara went through, and she’s not worth the time to have it all explained to her.

Sara’s better off without her. She has enough to worry and think about without her.

Ava’s just more of a burden.

She’s not surprised that Sara didn’t call after her.  
Just like she wasn’t surprised when Sara bailed on their date. It hadn’t been the first time.

It hurt, but it wasn’t unexpected.

~

Ava finishes up before stepping back out of the shower, wrapping a towel around her body.

She leaves the bathroom, going into her bedroom to change.

She decides on something casual, since she doesn’t expect to see anyone today, throwing on a white t-shirt with a blue flannel and a pair of jeans.

She rings out her hair with the towel, before running her hands through it, leaving it damp and down at her shoulders as she makes her way back into the bathroom.

That’s where she makes her first mistake. Well, it’s not her _first_ mistake, this is just when she decides to start keeping track.

She allows herself to meet her own reflection in the mirror.

She snaps her eyes shut, because she gets that _feeling_ , that uncomfortable, uneasy feeling of insecurity.  
All she sees are the flaws, so _clearly_ there.

She opens her eyes again, this time her gaze moved down to the sink.

She picks up her toothbrush and begins brushing away the taste of alcohol from her mouth.

_You, are wonderful._

Sara must’ve been lying. Who in their right mind could ever think that she, Ava Sharpe, is _wonderful?_

She’s a mess, who buries herself in her work to feel more put together.

Everything she does has to be perfect, because it’s a distraction from her _own_ imperfections.

She spits, letting the water drain away the bad taste.

~

She settles down on the couch, remote in hand, and powers on the TV.

It takes Ava a moment to realize her second mistake (in counting), to realize what’s playing.

_Peter Pan._

And not even a second later, Sara is on her mind again (not that Sara ever truly left her mind) because it brings her back to _that_ night.

Their first date. Their first night together.

She swallows hard, quickly turning the tv back off, the screen going black.

Pitch black, to a point where Ava can see her reflection through it.

That’s what does it.

That’s what’s got Ava trembling, her eyes falling shut as tears trail down her face, because it’s all just too overwhelming.

~

_I’ve never been this happy in my life._

Ava wants to believe that what Sara had said was true.

She wants to believe that she made her happy.

She wants to believe that Sara truly thought that Ava was wonderful.

She doesn’t.

She can’t.

Because it just doesn’t make _sense._

Sara made Ava the happiest she’s ever been.

Ava knows this, without a doubt, but the other way around?

_I don’t deserve you._

Funny, that’s the thought that would constantly flow in Ava’s mind every time she saw Sara’s smile, that damn _smirk,_ that had Ava’s heart fluttering every time.

Every time she felt Sara’s touch, the slightest, _ghost_ of a touch, all Ava could think

_I don’t deserve you._

So hearing it flipped around, again, just doesn’t make sense.

None of it makes sense.

Ava refuses to believe it.  
She refuses to believe that she’s wonderful, that Sara was really happy with her, and especially that Sara doesn’t deserve her.

Not only does Sara deserve her, she deserves so much _better._

Ava just doesn’t understand why Sara settled for her when she could’ve gotten literally anyone else to fall in love with her.

Falling for Sara was probably the easiest thing Ava’s ever done.

Mostly because Ava didn’t even realize it was happening.

It just _did._ Ava never had the time to question her feelings for the sassy ex-assassin (and current pain-in-the-ass captain), because there was simply no need to.

Things moved pretty quickly between them.

Staying the night on their first date, domestic morning afters...

They moved quick but it was a _comfortable_ pace, so neither of them ever questioned it.

When Ava realized that she was in love with Sara, it wasn’t some big revelation.  
It was something she accepted. She accepted it, so there was no need to question or even think about the concept or what it meant.

To Ava, it’s a _feeling_ (not some concept) that she just can’t shake.

So, she never felt the need to say it, not out loud, she simply accepted it, and that was that.

But now she’s here, and all she can think is that she should’ve fought.

Because Sara’s worth the fight.

But Ava can’t go back. She’s afraid.

Sara may be worth the fight, but can Ava risk the fact that maybe- maybe _she_ isn’t?

Sara didn’t call after her.  
She let her leave.

Probably didn’t even turn back.

Ava refuses to believe that things would’ve been different if she wouldn’t have left.

She _can’t_ think that way, because it’s just another thing to regret, another mistake to add to the long, long list.

She thinks that way anyway.

It’s her fault. She should’ve stayed.

~

For once, Ava doesn’t think.  
She doesn’t plan, she doesn’t ready herself.

She types in the location and time, and walks through the portal.

She lets her legs walk the distance, giving her no time to hesitate.

But she does hesitate. When she gets to the door.

She was able to ignore the sting in her chest as she walked through the all too familiar corridors (seeing as how just a couple days ago, she was walking down them to get breakfast with her girlfriend), but, now- _now_ Ava hesitates.

She considers turning back.

She’s still considering it as she lifts her hand up, her knuckle knocking on the metal door.

She still considers it, even when the door is sliding open a moment later.

She stops considering it, it’s not even an _option,_ not anymore. Not when she meets the blue orbs staring back at her, drawing her in.

There’s no going back.

“Ava.”

It’s said almost like a question.

Which, is understandable.

Ava shouldn’t be here. She knows this, but she _is_ here.

Ava knows that if she speaks, it’ll come out as nothing more than a hoarse whisper, seeing as how she hasn’t used her voice in days.

Ava knows it’ll be a choked off greeting.  
She knows that she won’t be able to explain, because she doesn’t really know _how_ to.

She just knows that she’s _here._ And there’s no going back.

And she’s not leaving again.

She won’t walk away.

She won’t give up, not without a fight.

Not this time.

 

 

 


End file.
